I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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