I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
