Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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