He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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