I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
