I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
