How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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