walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
