I looked at my own cervix.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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