I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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