We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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