You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
