anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
