Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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