i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
if only i could text you this smell
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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