I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
