I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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