lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
