dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
