Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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