i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
