i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Barsexuality is the new black.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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