I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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