in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
