my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
