I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
