In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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