sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
