I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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