My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
