I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
