Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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