In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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