... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
