girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
