i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
