Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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