Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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