i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
