Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
