saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
