bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
