There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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