I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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