Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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