'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
