You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
