John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
