Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
FUCK WHALES
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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