i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
