planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
