My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
