Got a toothbrush?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
