So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
