Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
